Comic Coverage

Bizarro's Toybox (part 1)

Sure, we all know what this year's "must have" gifts are. Whether it's the Playstation 3, the Nintendo Wii, exploding Elmo, or whatever else the kiddies are clamoring for, waiting in long lines, spending loads of cash and (most likely) fistfights will be the norm for hapless parents who just can't say "no".

However, imagine Christmas shopping on the topsy-turvy Bizarro World, where the abnormal is normal, bad is good, and the Playstation 3 is on exactly nobody's wish list. What popular gifts might we find there?

As the inagural entry in Bizarro's Toybox, one of the gifts every Bizarro-Tot is dreaming about is this delightfully screwy Motorcycle THOR figure:

Forget about Thor's mighty hammer Mjolnir, or his mastery over the thunder and lightning, what's really impressive is a popping a righteous wheelie in front of all the lady Asgardian gods.

According to the eBay auction I nabbed the image from, it's some sort of Brazillian toy. Foreign markets are where you find the really nonsensical licensed superhero toys, and this one's no exception. My favorite part of the photo is how Thor's cape is pulled back behind him, as if simulating rip-roaring speed. Success on eBay is all about the pimpin', my friend!

Bizarro's Toybox (part 2)

As ill-conceived as last week's Thor motorcycle might have been, what could be more ill-conceived and uncharacteristic than the Captain America Quick-Click Spin Barrel Gun?

It's one thing to stick an Asgardian god onto a motorcycle (despite his time & space-bending magic hammer), but changing Captain America's defensive posture (shield) to a wildly offensive posture (packing heat)? Look, I'm as big of a Second Amendment guy as you're likely to find (especially in the "I'm more liberal than YOU are!" comics blogosphere), but even I have to draw the line somewhere. Is he Captain America, proudly protecting the ramparts of Freedom using only his trusty shield.... or, Dirty Harry-like, squeezing off multiple rounds into the backs of fleeing fascists? Add to that the worst-designed packaging in modern history (with "America" haphazardly positioned above the Cap-obscuring "Captain"), and you've got yourself an authentic specimen for Bizarro's Toybox!

Bizarro's Toybox (Part 3): ToyBiz...Masters of the Craptacular!

For over 40 years, Spider-Man toys have enjoyed overwhelming popularity with kids of all ages...and why wouldn't they?  After all, the wall-crawler's snappy humor, cool costume and amazing powers are all an imaginative child needs for hours of adventurous play.

Ah, but legendary Masters of the Craptacular Toy Biz knew better!  Why climb walls, shoot webbing and lift cars over your head when you can put out fires, hang out at the beach or shoot breathtaking safari footage...all while still wearing your Spidey costume?!!

Originally intended for the European market in 1999, the horrific "Adventure Hero" line of Spider-Man action figures eventually found its way to the shores of the United States. 

So, who needs threats like Dr. Octopus and the Green Goblin when Spider-Man could instead face the challenge of bonking a layback slide, capped off by a tight fakie?*

*Official Snowboarding Lingo

 

Bizarro's Toybox (Part 4): Sumo Battle of the Century!

Who can forget the epic crossovers between comic book giants DC Comics and Marvel Comics?  After testing the waters with an amicable Wizard of Oz collaboration in 1975, the crosstown rivals soon took off the gloves and set their two flagship characters against each other in the mind-blowing Superman vs. Spider-Man treasury edition (1976).  Comic book tradition dictates that two champions meeting for the first time have to battle each other due to a misunderstanding or a villainous set-up.  In this case it's the latter, as Lex Luthor and Doctor Octopus manipulate their respective arch-enemies into duking it out.

Now the thrills of that classic clash can be passed on to a new generation, as tiny tots can reenact that sacred meeting with the Superman vs. Spider-Man SUMO SUITS!

"But mom!...I wanna reenact a classic superhero crossover battle, too!"  Ahhh, what parent hasn't heard that impassioned cry?...which is why the new Batman vs. Hulk sumo suits are available to ensure homes everywhere are filled with the inflated vinyl mayhem of fierce, intercompany rivalry!

Bizarro's Toybox: I'm Dreaming of a Black Sith-mas

Last Christmas, I came across some incredibly strange toys I consigned to Bizarro's Toybox, where the abnormal is normal, bad is good, and wish list toppers like Guitar Hero 3 are nowhere to be found.  Well, this year, it looks like I'll only have time for one visit to Bizarro's Toybox, so I'll try to make it extra-special.  In fact, instead of one unusual item, how about ten?

Okay, we all know about Darth Vader, right?  Principal bad guy from the Star Wars movies (the good ones), armored Sith Lord, evil father of Luke Skywalker, and pupil of the Dark Side of the Force?  Yeah, that guy.  Well, as someone who's got Darth Vader's helmet-face mask thingie on full display in his studio, it's safe to say I'm a big fan of the character (despite George Lucas making him into such a whiny putz for the prequels).  However, my enjoyment of the character usually doesn't extend to the hundreds (thousands?) of products featuring his likeness.  Oh, I can usually find something to admire in just about any Darth Vader product...but man, some of this stuff really crosses over to the Dark Side of licensed merchandising.  How about a Top Ten countdown featuring some of the darkest? (click on the images for a larger view)

10. A toddler size Darth Vader Costume:  What better costume to dress a happy, innocent toddler in than that of a conquering Sith Lord who actually murdered small children in Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith?  No thanks...I think we'll stick with Bob the Builder or Picachu and save the Vader look for the older kids.

9. The Darth Vader Night Light: On a similar note, what sort of parental thinking process is at work (or not) when a glowing Darth Vader head is brought in to calm a child's nighttime fears? "Shhhh....go to sleep, now.  Just look at that frightening, skull-like mask, and you'll feel all safe and snuggly..."

8.  "Duck Vader" Bath Toy: Moving from bedroom trauma to bathtub trauma, who needs rubber duckies when you can scare the dirt off toddlers and pre-schoolers with this glowing, Vader-esque duckie?

"Ducky Vader, you're the one
You make bath time lots of fun
Ducky Vader, I'm awfully fond of you
Woo woo be doo!"

7.  Hey, it's Lil' Vader, a cute, stubby little Vader aimed squarely at...you guessed it...pre-schoolers!  If the masked version of Lil' Vader (left) isn't enough to make them forget their potty training, imagine what the sunken eyes and pasty skin of the unmasked version will do!

6.  The Darth Vader inflatable backpack:  Finally moving up to an older age bracket, the Vader backpack gets points for a clever design, but once again I go back to the image of Vader's head as essentially a high-tech skull.  That's when the product starts getting a little weird for me.  Yeah, yeah....that's probably the parent in me talking.

5.  Darth Vader Birthday Cake: Birthdays...a time of fun, frivolity, and celebration.  Naturally, the perfect cake for such a happy occasion is one that reminds kids that Anakin Skywalker (pictured in the upper-right corner) was horribly burned in the fires of a volcano planet, necessitating the creation of his life-preserving Darth Vader armor.  Happy Birthday!

4.  Darth Vader Piñata- Next on the Happy Sithday agenda is the Darth Vader piñata, where kids traumatized as babies by the Darth Vader night light can finally strike back at the candy-filled lapdog of Emperor Palpatine. Then again...maybe it's not filled with candy...but blackened bits of Anakin Skywalker's soul!

Whatever it's filled with, just make sure the kids are wielding lightsabers when striking at the piñata.

3.  Darth Vader Nutcracker: Play Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite as you dance and twirl around the room with your very own Darth Vader Nutcracker.  Hand carved from wood by Steinbach of Germany, this limited edition piece will set you back a mere $300.

2.  Men's Darth Vader Boxer Shorts:  Which begs the question:  "Is that a protruding breath mask or are you just happy to see me?"

1.  The Darth Vader Chopper:  One of the "crown jewels" of the Bizarro Toybox collection, the crass stupidity of this product is surpassed only by its kitschy appeal and unintentional humor.  Besides, didn't the Star Wars universe have flying Speeder Bikes for motorcycle equivalents?

Had enough?  Yeah, me too.  I can only take so much of George Lucas' greed-based insanity. Let this edition of Bizarro's Toybox serve as a warning to Lucas and Star Wars fans alike:

Bizarro's Toybox: A Kinder, Gentler Hulk

Since my kids are well into their teenage years, I'm completely out of the loop when it comes to toys aimed at younger children, especially the toys of the pre-school and early grade school crowd. However, during a recent trek to Target, I decided to take a stroll through their toy section to check out the latest superhero toys. Stopping me in my tracks was Hasbro's line of Hulk toys and games.  My reaction?

Two words: "What the?!..."

Here, let's run down a few of the Hulk-themed toys I ran across, which...while cute as a button, were also strange as all get-out (click on the photos for larger views)....

Marvel Super Hero Squad-Abomination and Hulk: Since the new Hulk movie is rated PG-13, these doe-eyed versions of Hulk and the Abomination are subtley cynical creations. Although the age group they're aimed at clearly aren't the movie's target audience, Hasbro (and everyone else) knows full well that boatloads of clueless parents will bring their tiny tots to the movie anyway, regardless of the PG-13 rating.

Yeah, I know...it's not the first time PG-13 movie tie-ins have been marketed to a much younger crowd, but I guess seeing a freaky character like the Abomination translated into a "Happy Lil' Fella" is pretty jarring. Plus, how many tykes can even pronounce "abomination", anyway?

Power Glow Hulk: From the sales pitch:
"The gamma radiation running in the Hulk's blood surges, giving him incredible strength! His very skin glows green from the incredible energy within, and nothing can stand up to the Hulk's gamma charged power!"

In other words, pretend you're playing with something that's emitting high levels of radiation!  Wheeeee!

"Press the Hulk figure's power glow button and watch his "skin" glow green with anger!"

Dare I ask where the power glow button is located?

"Fists clenched with rage, this gritted-toothed hero means business - and he's heading for your neighborhood!"

A rage-filled, extremely radioactive man-monster is heading for our neighborhood? Pleasant dreams, kids!

  Operation Hulk: Okay, what do we have going on here?  Apparently Lil' Spider-Man and Lil' Iron-Man need our help "fixing" an ailing Hulk. Why a powerhouse like the Hulk would require hospitalization, or how teddy bears and butterflies penetrated his invulnerable hide isn't explained...but like the classic Operation game it's based on, there's plenty of pressure on kiddies to remove the "funatomy parts" without triggering the heart-stopping Sound Effect O' Failure.
But wait...what's that green mist that seems to be emanating from the Hulk's nether regions? Obviously some sort of gamma-charged super fart (the Holy Grail of kid humor)...silent and plenty deadly based on the skull and crossbones symbol floating inside of it!

Don't Wake Hulk: Based on "Don't Wake Daddy" (yet another heart attack-inducing game), this version features a very kid-friendly Hulk who "needs his sleep" while his superhero buddies engage in the noisy business of crime fighting. If you have to push Hulk's alarm clock one too many times, up he'll pop in a fit of rage...sending your hero straight back to the Starting Line!  As we all know, a sleepy Hulk in the comics usually lead to him to transform back into Bruce Banner, but I think we can overlook that bit of Hulk lore in this instance. After all, how many kids would want to play "Don't Wake Bruce"?

Zoom-N-Go Hulk ATV 4-Wheeler: Hilarious on so many levels, Zoom-N-Go Hulk puts the "nonsense" in "nonsensical". What...riding an ATV is preferable to his 100 mile leaps? Does he stop at a gas station to fill the tank? Could this technically be considered "Off-Road Rage"?  Most important, can he pop extended wheelies?

Plus, not to be too much of an old poop, but considering the surprising number of young kids that ride ATV's (especially in my part of the country), check out the responsible riding skills the sales pitch encourages:

"The Hulk smashes right through anything that gets in his way!  He’s the most powerful superhero there is, so when he hits the road, everyone else better watch out!  The Hulk is coming through and nothing can stop him!"

Now, get the Hulk to ride the Zoom-N-Go ATV in the upcoming movie, and I think you've pretty much guaranteed a HULK SMASH BOX-OFFICE success.

Free Inside: Nightmares for Life!

I realize most people view their own childhood as the Shining Golden Age before the inevitable Fall Into Mediocrity and Ruin, but in the case of cereal box prizes and premiums, I can definitely say I grew up during its Golden Age.

During the 1970's and 80's, kids' cereal boxes contained an embarrassment of riches, including music records, games, boomerangs, bike accessories, posters, and (my favorite) mini "rip cord" race cars (similar to Kenner's SSP racers).

As time went by, the line between "adult" and "kid" cereals began to blur thanks to adults who continued to buy kid cereal. As a result, the marketing of "in-box" cereal premiums has largely become a thing of the past, with some strange...even surreal exceptions.

A prime example of these befuddling promotions caught my eye last week as I enjoyed a bowl of delicious Cinnamon Toast Crunch (yes, I'm one of the aforementioned line-blurring, kid cereal-eating adults). Flipping the box around, I beheld this rather unsettling sight:

Imagine, if you will, some sleepy five year-old kid pouring him or herself a bowl of Crunch, then seeing the Joker Chop action figure leering out at them or...even worse...lurking in their cereal box! A bizarre amalgamation of Heath Ledger and Verne Troyer, this Mini-Me Joker boasts a "powerful chop" (it's not) in addition to its black, sunken eyes and bloody gashed cheeks.

Really, who's this toy marketed at, exactly?  Considering the upcoming Dark Knight movie is a hard PG-13, nobody can claim that young kids are officially part of the marketing plan (though clueless parents can always be counted on to buy them a ticket).  At the same time, will the aging fanboy collectors really want a cute-as-a-button Joker figure...especially with so many "realistic" figures available to display on their nightstands? Add to that the weirdness of actor Heath Ledger's death, and this entire promotion becomes one heck of a "Surreal Sandwich".

As with so much cynical modern marketing, I don't get it.  Well, I do in the sense that I know there's virtually no printed surface that's off-limits to a movie tie-in...but seeing the decidedly NON kid-friendly Ledger Joker marketed so casually toward kids just blows my mind. 

In fact, it would almost be like the cereal boxes of my youth including a free toy of Alex DeLarge, the amoral psycho from A Clockwork Orange. Sounds insane, right?

How is this Joker toy any less insane?

Bizarro's Toybox: Oh, What Fun it is to Ride...

When it comes to children and their toys, adults should always resist applying too much grown-up logic to their innocent flights of fancy. After all, who's to say any toy is beyond the power of their imagination to thrill and entertain?

That said, I've come across some superhero vehicles that are so goofy and nonsensical that even a logic-challenged child would question their baffling existence and consign them to the dark, topsy-turvy recesses of Bizarro's Toybox!

For example, would Aquaman...water-breathing King of the Seven Seas and swimmer beyond compare really need an Aqua Sub to get around underwater?

How does a permanently enraged, 1,000 lb. gamma-irradiated giant with the intellect of a child get around?  Why, by flying around in his own customized helicopter, that's how! The Hulk's sausage-sized fingers should have no problem working the copter's delicate instrument panel, or using that collection of tiny yellow tools!

 

Would the Flash...whose super-speed running can propel him around the planet several times a second...or even through the time barrier...really have a need for a motorcyle (albeit a really cool-looking one)?

Now let's talk Captain America...a hero who's actually been known to ride a motorcycle...wouldn't he be a logical character to get his own motorcycle toy? Not so fast (literally, in this case).  As it turned out, somebody at Marx toys (lousy Commies!) stuck Cap with a put-putting Euro-weenie scooter...and a yellow one at that! Where's he going...to a coffee shop? 

In France?

Following Cap's lead, Superman got his own yellow motorcycle, but with a dreadfully anti-feminist twist! See, instead of getting her own motorcycle, Wonder Woman was consigned to a mere sidecar...and to add insult to injury, a really bad orange dye job (conspicuously not matching the raven-haired images of Wonder Woman adorning the sidecar)!

The Man of Steel was also associated with another goofy superhero toy...which was quite possibly the most insane superhero vehicle ever created!  

Looking a bit like a Star Wars Scout Walker/La-Z-Boy recliner hybrid (with a flip-down beauty parlor hair dryer), the Justice Jogger was billed as an "overland villain chaser" with "power stepping action". It's unknown what the Justice Jogger actually did to apprehend said villains once it caught up to them...or for that matter why an invulnerable, super-strong man who could fly, run at super speed, and shoot heat rays needed such a preposterous contraption to apprehend bad guys.

By the way, one more day to send in your entry for my White Christmas contest!  Send in your guesses...and you might win a DVD of A Christmas Story!

Bizarro's Toybox: Lil' Killers

I don't pay much attention to the superhero toy scene....but at what point did we start marketing cyborg assassins, naked berserker-ragers, heavily-armed vigilantes, psychotic hitmen, vampire hunters, and demons with flaming skull-heads to three year-olds?

Selected figures from Hasbro's Marvel Superhero Squad series.

(click for a larger view)

It's official: I don't get it.