Comic Coverage

The Superpowers That Time Forgot (Superbowl edition)

The NOT So Familiar Abilities of SUPERMAN!

Second only to the holiday of Thanksgiving, Superbowl Sunday is probably the biggest officially-sanctioned day to pig-out on the American calendar. As such, of all the obscure superpowers of Superman, his ability to eat endless amounts of food would certainly come in handy on a day like today.

Telling the story of how Clark Kent was hired by Perry White in Superman #133 (1959), the Daily Planet editor unknowingly exposed Clark to Kryptonite, causing the rookie reporter to faint. Tricking Perry and Lois into thinking he'd fainted from hunger (thereby whisking him off to a restaurant), Clark gulped down a five pound steak...then revealed to the reader that the stomach of Superman knows no bounds!

 

Years later in Action Comics #454 (1975), the Toyman invented a gadget that could siphon off Superman's super-energy, leaving him exhausted and starving! To keep functioning, Superman was forced to indulge into a SUPER PIG-OUT...which (as you can see below) looked an awful lot like the spread at your average Superbowl party!

 

Simply the Best: Whip It! Whip It Good!

I've noticed that some of the covers I've chosen for Simply the Best status tend to represent common themes I'm fond of, such as clash covers or imaginary tales. This month's selection of Iron-Man #62 (1973) could also be considered a representative of a favorite cover theme...namely the conditional cliffhanger!

"Conditional cliffhanger?", you ask?  Here's what I mean: Much like the classic movie serial cliffhangers that visually showed the hero in impossible-to-escape danger, the conditional cliffhanger of comic books is unique in its use of character dialogue to spike the drama level.

Frozen at the moment of maximum peril, the hero (as Iron-Man demonstrates) is shown literally thinking or talking through the seemingly impossible dilemma he or she faces. Much like the role suspenseful music plays in enhancing a movie cliffhanger, these dire "If-Then" statements dramatically amplify the sense of danger and desperation already suggested by the visuals...to the point where a kid had no choice but to reach for two dimes and buy the dang thing!

Obviously, having chosen this particular cover, Iron-Man #62 (by cover artist supreme Gil Kane) is one of my favorite examples of the conditional cliffhanger.

One of my favorite aspects of the old Iron-Man comics is when the artists (in this case Gil Kane) would occasionally bend the rules of logic to show a hint of emotion on Shellhead's otherwise expressionless helmet. In this case, it's an expression of pure sad-faced agony as Iron-Man struggled to support the giant generator. Unlikely? Of course!..but who cares? Factor in the back-breaking contortion of Iron-Man's body, the sharp angle of the massive machinery, his about-to-buckle right leg, along with Whiplash slashing his armor to ribbons, and that adds up to sheer, unmitigated misery!

Speaking of Whiplash (The guy whose name sounds like the sound his weapon makes. Try it! I dare you!), his body language, cape, "head tassel", and (of course) his whip really convey a sense of fluid, whip-cracking motion. 

Also, points for the "tin-headed has-been" crack.

Now, back to that conditional cliffhanger! Note the progression of importance in Iron-Man's string of thought balloons. First, and naturally least important to the hero, is his own safety. Next, Iron-Man's thoughts move to protecting the life of the woman on the floor, Pepper Potts. However,as if pandering to the pre-teen boys reading the cover, the final and most horrifying possibility wasn't the death of himself or his lady love...but of Whiplash winning! "Yeah, Pepper and I will be crushed to a pulp, but man....Whiplash can't WIN!" All kidding aside, I have to say, the picture painted here is one of pure heroic determination in the face of impossible odds...something that many of today's comic fans and creators seem to dismiss as quaint or "unrealistic" (whatever that means).

My favorite part of the cover? That would be that little price square up in the corner.  Man...20¢ per comic book. Five for a buck! Yeah, I know...inflation makes it seem like more of a deal than it actually was at the time...but as we break the $4.00 barrier for a single comic book here in 2009, that's one heck of a wicked whip-crack to the wallet!  WWWWHHPPSSHHHH!

Recommended Reading: Absolute WATCHMEN

When Warner Bros. and Universal Studios finally resolved their legal monkey-business a few weeks back, I knew I could officially start getting excited for the March 6^th opening of the Watchmen movie. 

I know as much as anyone else that a complex work like Watchmen almost defies translation to movie form...but having had similar doubts about the Lord of the Rings movies (and happily being proved wrong), I'm willing to give Warner Bros. and director Zack Snyder the benefit of the doubt.

Naturally, the best way to prepare for the movie is to reread the original comic book version. Now, I've read Watchmen almost every year since its publication in 1986, and each time it's just as rewarding as the first reading. In fact, I think my respect, enjoyment, and flat-out astonishment for Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons' masterwork has only increased over time. Regardless of the format, whether it was the original issues of the 12-part maxi-series or a trade paperback collection, each reading has been an experience I could honestly describe as transcendent.

Ah...but when DC's line of Absolute hardcovers hit the marketplace, I knew yet another Watchmen format would be finding a home on my bookshelf...and what a format it is!

Measuring a whopping 8.5" x 13" and featuring a "fresh coat of paint", Absolute Watchmen was the perfect way to make a familiar story a stunning new experience.

In fact, the best part of the larger format is how it's forced me to slow down and savor every panel. The watchmaker precision of Moore's story and exquisite detail of Gibbons' illustrations, while obvious before, now seemed gloriously magnified...like the crystaline beauty of a snowflake under an electron microscope. 

As I alluded to earlier, another great touch was the complete remastering of the color by original colorist John Higgins. Fine-tuning color tones, altering some background colors, and adding a dot-screen effect to the pirate sequences (making them more obviously comic book panels), Higgins turned the quality dial up to a Spinal Tap eleven.

I'll spare you a blow-by-blow laundry list of observations on the story itself. You've no doubt read better and more insightful ones from others over the years...or, if you haven't read Watchmen yet, I don't want to spoil any of the magic of discovering it for yourself. But I will say this: You owe it to yourself to read (or reread) Watchmen at some point before the movie hits...not so much to compare the comic book to its film adaptation (though that comparison is inevitable), but more to appreciate and celebrate one of the pinnacles (if not the pinnacle) of comic book storytelling.

For those of you, like me, who have earlier formats of Watchmen, I highly recommend that you get yourself a copy of Absolute Watchmen...ideally before the movie hits. Although it's a bit skimpy in the extras department compared to other Absolute editions, it hardly matters when you've got the mesmerizing complexity, transcendent themes, and almost supernatural symmetry of Watchmen headlining the gig. 

 

Cover to Cover: Seeing Double!

Eventually, if they're around long enough, every superhero will meet an identical double on the cover of their comic books. I've always been fond of "double covers", dating all the way back to Amazing Spider-Man #149 (1975), one of the first Spidey comics I bought from the ol' creaky spinner rack.

However, when it comes to meeting their double on covers, nobody (not even Superman or Batman) can touch the sheer, crazy number of double Wonder Woman covers. Boasting a mindblowing sixteen covers from across the decades, Wonder Woman (for whatever reason) met more multiples than any other superhero in comic book history. Most of those covers were published during the 1950's and early 1960's, so perhaps the armchair psychologists among us see a theory there.  

Well, whatever the reason, let's start seeing double (or even triple) with the Multiple Wonder Woman Cover Gallery.

  

P.S. Wonder Woman is also the champion of shrinking covers...so be sure to figure that into your theories as well, armchair psychologists!

The Highlight Reel: The Long Good-Bye

It's public record I'm a big fan of Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster's Superman character, but I'm also crazy about Siegel's other creation: The Spectre. 

Making an unlikely debut in More Fun Comics #52 (1940), the decidedly not fun murder of detective Jim Corrigan lead to his spiritual encounter with The Voice, a Heavenly entity most interpret to be God Himself. Corrigan was refused entry through the Pearly Gates and, instead, assigned the minor task of "eliminating evil from all the world". When he wasn't vanquishing criminals and supernatural threats in the eerie guise of The Spectre, Corrigan continued to maintain his human appearance and occupation as a detective.

As such, Corrigan's former humanity continued to express itself even when he assumed "ghost mode". This scene from his early days with the Justice Society of America (from All-Star Comics #9, 1942) shows a Spectre who's an enthusiastic team player and still very much a part of the human world.

Within the context of 1940's (Golden Age) comics, this was about as deep as it got when it came to Corrigan's ghostly quasi-existence. After all, the brief plot-driven stories of early superhero comics left little room to fully develop characters or to explore more emotional territory. Because of this very straightforward style of storytelling, the potentially powerful story of this near-omnipotent being still pretending to be a human was never really explored until many decades later.

During an investigation of the Ghostly Guardian's past in The Spectre #20 (1994) Professor Nick Hazzard interviews several of the Spectre's old Justice Society teammates. All of their stories were fascinating, but the best and most haunting of these recollections came from Carter Hall (Hawkman) and his wife Shiera (Hawkgirl) as they told the poignant tale of Jim Corrigan's fading humanity and his final departure from the affairs of mankind.

(click on the panels for a larger view)

Humble Beginnings: The Fire Inside

"I think of fire in connection with emotions, because when you become 'stirred up', when your emotions control your actions, it affects not only yourself, but the people around you."

–Dr. A.R. Laurer, from the Coronet educational film Controlling Your Emotions (1950)

Part of the groundbreaking nature of Marvel Comics in the early 1960's was writer/editor Stan Lee's decision to depict superheroes in a much more realistic way than what had come before. Unlike the idealistic paragons of other publishers, Marvel characters would be quick to anger, easily frustrated, prone to sulking and sarcasm, distrustful, self-conscious, and pessimistic.  

In other words, they mirrored the very kids and young adults who read their adventures!

In fact, from the very beginning in Fantastic Four #1 (1961), teenagers would find the perfect symbol of their volatile emotions and fiery passions in Johnny Storm, a.k.a. the Human Torch. However, unlike the controlled "glowing ember" look that's defined the Torch for most of his history, the first two issues of The Fantastic Four depicted Johnny as only a featureless and vaguely humanoid flame-shape...an obvious analogy of the roiling, chaotic emotionalism of the teenage years. Driving that point home is the dialogue in the second panel below, taken from Fantastic Four's origin story.

Ideally, through experience and maturity, teenagers eventually learn to harness and control their emotions...once again symbolized by the Torch a few issues later.  The cover of Fantastic Four #3 marked the debut of Johnny's aforementioned "glowing ember" look, obviously the result of harnessing and controlling his power. Ultimately, it's a great little "parable" for the maturing process, as wild "fiery" youths focus and gradually improve themselves in their journey toward adulthood.

Of course, anyone who's followed my blog for awhile should know that whenever there's a mention of the Human Torch, his "polar opposite" Iceman can't be far behind...and this is no exception.

Much like the indistinct early look of the Torch, teen mutant Bobby Drake looked like a lumpy, featureless snowman on the cover of X-Men #1 (1963).

Although it took Bobby a bit longer than Johnny to fine-focus his emotions...er, powers, by X-Men #9 (1965) he'd assumed his familiar crystalline form. Ah...but much like a real kid learning self-control from a parent or mentor, note how his older teammate (and parent-figure) Cyclops taught him to exert more control over his icy powers.

Self-control analogies aside, I think that final line of Bobby's wonderfully sums up the tempestuous teenage spirit of the Marvel Comics glory years. 

Worst Cover Ever: When Reboots Go Horribly Awry

The comics of the 1940's were home to a legion of two-fisted, axis-smashing patriots. Although many wore colorful costumes and possessed impressive superpowers, others, like the Blackhawk Squadron, had only their bravery and bravado. Ace pilots of various nationalities, the Blackhawks flew the skies of World War II, gunning down enemy planes as they shouted their war cry of "Hawkaaaaaaw"...eventually becoming so popular, they earned their own radio series and movie serial.

However, as always, things changed and the Blackhawks (and other World War II characters) gave way to new genres. Most of the displaced war characters faded away entirely, but others...like the Blackhawks...continued on by awkwardly conforming to whatever fads breezed through the 1950's pop cultural scene. As horror and science fiction comics became all the rage, the hapless Blackhawks found themselves battling an absurd parade of Lovecraftian monsters, flying cavemen, or giant Communist robots.

The final indignity of the Blackhawks came in 1967, when it appeared that superhero comics were here to stay and the nation was in the campy grip of the Batman TV series. In a desperate, last-ditch effort to save the flagging Blackhawk title, the once-proud WWII aviators were transformed into a team of astonishingly lame superheroes on the cover of Blackhawk #230....a cover that instantly became the poster child for every ill-advised, half-baked reboot before or since.

Mocked as "out-of-date has-beens" by Batman (!) and (then) President Lyndon Baines Johnson (!!!), the Blackhawks decided to get with the times by becoming a team of superheroes...all of whom looked more like badly-drawn adults heading to a Halloween party than anything cool-meisters Batman and LBJ would approve of. And, yes, those are tiny ears adorning the costume of Chuck "The Listener". Ironically, the only character to come off well on this otherwise dignity-free cover would be "Dr. Hands", a.k.a. "Chop Chop", the Blackhawks' sidekick who'd previously been portrayed as an offensive Asian caricature.

Mercifully, the "New Blackhawk Era" lasted only a handful of issues, allowing the Blackhawks to once again revert to their original uniforms and take to the skies...if only for a mere two issues before the title was finally cancelled for good.  

But at least they went out on their own terms.  Hawkaaawwwww!

The Superpowers That Time Forgot (Part 6)

The NOT So Familiar Abilities of SUPERMAN!

With Valentines Day only a few days away, it's time to feature a forgotten superpower that had nothing to do with catching crooks and everything to do with impressing the ladies! 

At the Daily Planet Christmas party in Action Comics #306 (1963), Perry White maneuvered Clark Kent and Lois Lane under the mistletoe...bringing some eye-opening dialogue to the normally G-rated world of the 1960's Superman. After Lois promised to give Clark a "thrill", the normally mild-mannered reporter decided to "teach this minx" a lesson by unleashing the power of....THE SUPER-KISS!

(click on the panels for a larger view)

Flushed, dizzy, and (gulp) sweating, the super kiss obviously had a profound impact on the minx...er...I mean Lois. And how about that "Who's YOUR Daddy?" look on Clark in that final panel?  

I should add that the super kiss wasn't entirely forgotten once Lois mopped the sweat from her brow. In fact, a variation of it would pop up at the conclusion of Superman II (1980). Realizing how the knowledge of his double identity confused and tormented Lois, Clark made the decision to remove all memory of their love affair by administering the Super Amnesia Kiss!

Of course, let the record show that the very first super kiss in a Superman comic book wasn't administered by Superman....but by Lois Lane herself! Following her rescue from raging flood waters in Superman #3 (1940), the grateful girl reporter plants a super-kiss on a super-man...becoming the first of many over their 70 year fling!

Dear Editor: Aunt May Must Die!

The success any long-running serialized drama (such as a comic books or a soap opera) depends on its ability to give the illusion of change without changing too much (or anything, for that matter). 

In the case of Spider-Man comics, nothing has remained as unchanging as Peter Parker's beloved Aunt May. However, as important as her role in Peter Parker's life has been (and continues to be), some fans have grown a little tired of her constant presence, as well as her multiple brushes with death. One member of this Anti-Auntie May contingent was Dave Krasakove, whose frank opinion on the doddering ol' dame's continued existence was published in Amazing Spider-Man #98 (1971)...

Woah! How do you really feel about Aunt May, Dave?  Although I think he had a point when it comes to a shortage of normal, non-sensational deaths in comics, Mr. Krasakove seemed just a little too gung-ho about the whole thing.  So, what was Stan's response to the May Parker death wish? 

 

Ah, so according to Stan, the death of Gwen Stacy's father at the hands (and mechanical arms) of Doctor Octopus was enough senior citizen assassination for most readers...and enough to keep Aunt May safe from death for the next thirty-eight years? Oh, there were a few false alarms along the way, but ol' lady May is still alive and kicking (and sicking) all these years later. I wonder... could Dave Krasakove still be reading Spider-Man comics...and still longing for a "realistic" and "natural" death for Peter Parker's favorite (and only) aunt?

Know Your Marvel Monsters: SPRAGG!

First Appearance: Journey Into Mystery #68 (1961)

Occupation: Sentient Transylvanian hill bent on world domination

History: When a race of intergalactic spores fell to Earth, the planet's gravity pulled them into its molten core. They eventually developed mental powers such as telekineis, which they used to create earthquakes (so that's where earthquakes come from)! One of these earthquakes accidentally sent a spore-being named Spragg to the Earth's surface near Transylvania, where he immediately enslaved an entire village to build a power-enhancing dynamo around him. 

Meanwhile, a vacationing geologist named Dr. Bob Robertson realized his metal miner's helmet made him immune to Spragg's mental control...which allowed him to secretly (and by himself!) convert Spragg's dynamo into a giant rocket platform. Believing he was mentally activating his power dynamo, Spragg inadvertently rocketed himself into space, only to return several years later to battle the She-Hulk (and an elderly Bob Robertson).

Powers and Abilities: Spragg could animate and control the rock around him, which could be used to create multiple duplicates of himself (including a humanoid form), rock towers, and vast holes in the ground. Spragg also possesses telepathic powers such as mass-hypnosis and mind control. As demonstrated by Robertson's helmet, a major weakness of Spragg's was steel.

Not to be confused with:

Shagg, a giant robot warrior 

disguised as the Sphinx.

OR

EGO, the Living Planet.

Top 10 Comic Book Headquarters (Part One)

"Home, the spot of earth supremely blest, 

A dearer, sweeter spot than all the rest"

– English poet Robert Montgomery (1807-1855)

Although they're not "homes" in the strictest sense, comic book hideaways and headquarters enjoy a similar status with various superheroes and villains. Stocked with customized vehicles, specialized equipment, trophies and secrets galore, these sanctum sanctorums were more or less fantastical extensions of childhood tree forts and clubhouses....and an element I've always loved about superhero comics.

Like my robot list a few months back, I've tallied-up the ten best comic book hang-outs. Some you'll no doubt recognize and agree with...and others you won't. But that's the great thing about running your own blog, right?

So, enough blathering...let's get to the first five of the Top Ten Comic Book Headquarters...

The Phantom's Skull Cave: Hidden behind a waterfall deep in the jungles of Bangalla, the Skull Cave has been the home base of the Phantom for over twenty generations. As each father passed the mantle of the Phantom on to his son, the eerie cave has not only housed their chronicles, armory, and treasure, but the bodies of fallen Phantoms as well.

The Rock of Eternity: Defeating a great force of evil in the ancient past, the wizard SHAZAM imprisoned it under an immense rock that later became known as the Rock of Eternity. With the very Moment of Creation blazing at its pinnacle, the Rock stands outside of space and time and can be used to access any dimension or time period. It's from his throne inside the Rock that the spirit of Shazam lends the power of the gods to Billy Batson and the rest of the Marvel Family. Is it the most exciting looking headquarters? No...but I think the existential starkness of the Rock of Eternity is the key to its appeal.

The SHIELD Helicarrier: Built by a cooperative of scientists and industrialists (including Reed Richards and Tony Stark), the Helicarrier fuctioned as both a flying aircraft carrier and a mobile headquarters for SHIELD, the planet's premiere intelligence/defense agency. Although the design has changed a bit over the years, the array of gigantic helicopter rotors keeping it aloft have remained...a staggeringly impossible (yet endearing) feat of engineering that could only work in the pseudo-scientific skies of superhero comic books.

The Baxter Building: Appearing in Fantastic Four #3 (1962), the Baxter Building became the first official headquarters of the Marvel Universe (click on the image for a larger view). Boldly breaking with the tradition to locate superheroes in fictional cities, the Baxter Building was located in the heart of midtown Manhattan, its top five floors housing the labs, vehicles, and living quarters of the Fantastic Four. Bottom line? Any headquarters with a built-in long range ICBM missile automatically makes my Top Ten list.

Challenger Mountain: As prototypes of the Fantastic Four, DC's Challengers of the Unknown were four adventurers whose massive headquarters was a hollowed-out mountain located in the Colorado Rockies. Though I've never been much of a fan of the Challengers themselves, having an entire mountain as your home base certainly counts for something.

That's it for now. Stay tuned for Part Two, where I'll finish off my Top Ten Comic Book Headquarters!

Top 10 Comic Book Headquarters (Part Two)

 

The best thing about Part Two? No long-winded introductory paragraph! Picking up where Part One left off, let's get to numbers five through one:

The JLA Satellite: Leaving their original cave hangout behind, the League moved into a spiffy new orbiting satellite in Justice League #78 (1970), undoubtedly inspired by the space station in 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968).  Despite the "America" portion of the team's name, the satellite seemed to elevate the League's mission to that of international or even planetary protectors. In the years since the satellite's destruction, the JLA have steadily increased the "wow" factor of their succeeding headquarters (at one point building one on the moon)...but none of them quite surpass the groovy space-age vibe of that ol' satellite.

Latveria: In the early days of Marvel Comics, creators Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were determined to shake up the status quo. One of their many, many innovations was a Fantastic Four villain named Doctor Doom who, in addition to a compelling appearance and origin story, took the concept of the bad guy's lair to a completely new category. Instead of holing up in a building or even a compound, Doom's home base was an entire country...and he its beloved monarch! Located somewhere in Eastern Europe, the sovereign nation of Latveria was strictly ruled and fiercely protected by Doom and his advanced technology...which often made the Fantastic Four's efforts to stop him a diplomatically sticky situation.

The Tower of Fate: As one of the coolest heroes of the fabled Golden Age of Comics, sorcerer Doctor Fate had a headquarters that perfectly complemented his eerie modus operandi. Its Earthly aspect located in (a perpetually overcast) Salem, Massachusetts, this windowless and doorless tower could only be entered by Fate and his wife Inza. Inside were countless magical artifacts, weapons, and tomes dating back to the ancient world. Much like the Rock of Eternity (yesterday's #9), this stark, lonely structure exists outside of conventional space and time...and has recently been shown to have a bewildering, Escher-esque interior.

The Fortress of Solitude: God knows, I've said almost everything I could possibly say about Superman's Fortress of Solitude...but I have to reiterate just how much I love the concept of the Man of Steel needing a place to relax and unwind. Sure, he had the obligatory headquarters stuff like super-computers and trophy rooms...but first and foremost, the Fortress was a place for Superman to chill the heck out! (no arctic-pun intended). My favorite of its many iterations was, of course, the version featured from 1957 through 1986 which, as you can read about here, is intertwined with my first-ever encounter with the Superman character.

As much as I love the Fortress of Solitude, it was narrowly edged out by my top pick...which by now should be obvious to just about anyone who's read a comic book. The number one Comic Book Headquarters is, of course....

The Original Legion of Superheroes Clubhouse: Made from a semi-buried, upside-down rocketship, the headquarters of the futuristic Legion of Superheroes was....

Okay, you didn't seriously think I picked this as #1, did you?

All right, all right...the real number one can only be...

The Batcave: The perfect expression of the secret headquarters concept, the Batcave simply can't be surpassed in its thematic compatibility with its hero and its sheer mythic weight. Mostly utilitarian, with intriguing touches of sentimentality, the sprawling underground complex is a breathtaking testament to the lengths Bruce Wayne has gone to avenge his parents' deaths. 

Now that I've posted my Top 10 hang-outs, what are some of yours? 

Friday Pop Quiz: Pseudo-Geography

Just like Fridays back in high school, it's time for a pop quiz! 

Having previously quizzed you in Comic Book Pseudo-Science (which you can still take here and here), this time around I'll be putting your knowledge of Pseudo-Geography to the test. How many fictional comic book locations can you correctly identify? Take a shot at the ten multiple-choice questions I've prepared and find out!

Begin by clicking on the Start Quiz button below. Pay no attention to the "name" box...you don't need to enter your name to take the quiz (I couldn't figure out how to delete it). Now, let's see if you know your way around the comic book map...

 

Comic Book Pseudo-Geography » Quiz School

The Superpowers That Time Forgot (Part 7)

The NOT So Familiar Abilities of SUPERMAN!

When I began my survey of Superman's more obscure, offbeat and (mercifully) forgotten powers, I felt it was best to confine the coverage to the comic books themselves and ignore the various radio, TV, and movie adaptations...long known for their nonsensical additions and alterations. However, there's one Hollywood superpower that's so stupendously insane...so awesomely off-the-rocker, I just had to make an exception. 

It's long been an accepted fact that Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1986) is the not only the worst modern-era Superman film, but possibly one of the worst films to ever be projected onto a movie screen. But that's not all. Within this stinky pile of lazy filmmaking is a sequence that, in my opinion, is the absolute low point of Superman's entire 70-year history. A strong charge...but I've got video proof!

During the laughable, low-wattage battle between Superman and a super-powered Chippendale dancer named Nuclear Man, their clash takes them to the Great Wall of China. Nuclear Man (over-actor Mark Pillow) proceeds to blast the famous wall to pieces with his solar-ray zapping powers before slowly being hoisted away on a flying harness. Cue the badly-composited Superman, who, after catching a falling tourist, sets about repairing the damage to the wall. Does he use his legendary super-speed to rebuild the wall? Nope...not enough money in the budget...so he resorts to Plan B: the heretofore unknown power of Rebuild Great Wall of China Vision! Check it out (if you dare):

It's like an even lazier version of the oddball telekinetic power the Phantom Zone criminals of Superman II shot from their hands. But they were at least willing to raise their arms to use the power...Wall of China Vision Superman just glances around like someone looking for his car in a parking lot...made even worse by Christopher Reeve's rather obvious boredom.

Speaking of whom...what's with the Jack Lord wig?

AHEM!

Who can forget that awkward "shiny sheets" scene from Superman II, when Supes and Lois Lane turned the Fortress of Solitude into the Fortress of Turpitude? Well, you might be surprised to know that this wasn't the first time Superman and Lois did the ol' hippity-dippity. Way back on the cover of the appropriately-named Action Comics #154 (1951), this bizarre scene makes it's metaphoric point loud and clear.

But first...a little music to set the proper mood (take it away, Barry)

 

"HEY-OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!"

Classic Ads: Who SAYS Comics Aren't Educational?

Back in the 1960's, whenever DC Comics had unsold ad spaces to fill, they would plug the gaps with various in-house features such as simple cartoon strips, hobby hints, or educational facts. 

In most cases, the educational factoids were interesting and memorable stuff...like when I learned the speed of light* from the "Flash Facts" feature of the super-speedster's solo title. In other cases, like this filler ad printed in Justice League of America #22 (1963), the information wasn't exactly stuff you were clamoring to know.

* 186,282 miles per second.

Gold Nuggets: Life of the Modern Cowboy

The Obscure Adventures of Comics' Greatest Generation!

The Vigilante

Two-fisted, trick-ropin', crime-fightin', straight-
shootin', motorcycle-ridin' modern cowboy.

Also: Giant varmint killer.

From Leading Comics #2 (1941)

The Real (Idiotic) Origin of The Flash

The only good thing to come out of DC's wretched Final Crisis event was, of course, the official (though sadly underplayed) return of the Barry Allen Flash! 

Thankfully, his homecoming will take center stage in April's Flash: Rebirth, a high profile mini-series by Geoff Johns and Ethan Van Sciver. As a long-time fan of Barry, I'm thrilled to see him getting a shot at A-list treatment for two reasons.  First, because of the long absence following his "death" in 1985's Crisis on Infinite Earths. Second, and most important, because of the often harebrained way they handled Barry when he was around.

Although the final two years of Barry's solo title remain the worst examples of this creative cluelessness, another story came close in The Flash #167 (1967).

  

Perhaps spurred on by other superheroes with their own mischievous, magical imps (above), DC introduced Mopee, a "tenth-class Heavenly helpmate". Making matters much, much worse, it was revealed that this diminutive dimwit was responsible for Barry Allen gaining his super-speed powers! 

Imagine how this excerpt from "The Real Origin of the Flash" was received by fans of The Flash, a pseudo-scientific series that had (up until then) managed to avoid this sort of campy crud...

 

But wait...you don't have to imagine what Flash fans thought of the story. Taken from the Flash-Grams letter column several issues later, here's a sampling of their opinions regarding the green-robed schlub:

Now, to be fair, some fans wrote saying they liked the addition of Mopee....but thankfully the "Heavenly Helpmate" was never to be seen (or even mentioned) again...and Barry once more returned to being a "Ten Quadrillion-Billion to One" scientific freak of nature.

Just as it should be.