Bizarro's Toybox: Oh, What Fun it is to Ride...

When it comes to children and their toys, adults should always resist applying too much grown-up logic to their innocent flights of fancy. After all, who's to say any toy is beyond the power of their imagination to thrill and entertain?

That said, I've come across some superhero vehicles that are so goofy and nonsensical that even a logic-challenged child would question their baffling existence and consign them to the dark, topsy-turvy recesses of Bizarro's Toybox!

For example, would Aquaman...water-breathing King of the Seven Seas and swimmer beyond compare really need an Aqua Sub to get around underwater?

How does a permanently enraged, 1,000 lb. gamma-irradiated giant with the intellect of a child get around?  Why, by flying around in his own customized helicopter, that's how! The Hulk's sausage-sized fingers should have no problem working the copter's delicate instrument panel, or using that collection of tiny yellow tools!

 

Would the Flash...whose super-speed running can propel him around the planet several times a second...or even through the time barrier...really have a need for a motorcyle (albeit a really cool-looking one)?

Now let's talk Captain America...a hero who's actually been known to ride a motorcycle...wouldn't he be a logical character to get his own motorcycle toy? Not so fast (literally, in this case).  As it turned out, somebody at Marx toys (lousy Commies!) stuck Cap with a put-putting Euro-weenie scooter...and a yellow one at that! Where's he going...to a coffee shop? 

In France?

Following Cap's lead, Superman got his own yellow motorcycle, but with a dreadfully anti-feminist twist! See, instead of getting her own motorcycle, Wonder Woman was consigned to a mere sidecar...and to add insult to injury, a really bad orange dye job (conspicuously not matching the raven-haired images of Wonder Woman adorning the sidecar)!

The Man of Steel was also associated with another goofy superhero toy...which was quite possibly the most insane superhero vehicle ever created!  

Looking a bit like a Star Wars Scout Walker/La-Z-Boy recliner hybrid (with a flip-down beauty parlor hair dryer), the Justice Jogger was billed as an "overland villain chaser" with "power stepping action". It's unknown what the Justice Jogger actually did to apprehend said villains once it caught up to them...or for that matter why an invulnerable, super-strong man who could fly, run at super speed, and shoot heat rays needed such a preposterous contraption to apprehend bad guys.

By the way, one more day to send in your entry for my White Christmas contest!  Send in your guesses...and you might win a DVD of A Christmas Story!

Comments

[Pat Curley]

Yeah, Cap stole Peter Parker's wheels. But that one at least makes some sense; the rest, as you say, are all nutty. Also, is it just me, or is Aquaman looking a little short and squat?

[Mark Engblom]

Aquaman is part of Mattel's "Super Friends" line, aimed at the pre-school and early grade crowd....which is why he's just so darned cute. Actually, he kinda looks like an Ed McGuinness drawing.

[suedenim]

Wow, the Justice Jogger is awesome in its insanity!

The Supermobile looks positively sane by comparison - at least Superman could use it when there's lots of Kryptonite or a red sun around. The Justice Jogger would still be pretty useless under those conditions.

Aquaman's sub actually points to one of several problems with Aquaman's fundamental premise. How fast *does* he swim, anyway? Even the fastest boat or submarine is far slower than an aircraft, and Aquaman's undersea domain is pretty huge, even if you assume he pretty much sticks to only *one* ocean. Similar practical Aqua-questions concern an advanced wholly water-breathing civilization:

- They drink liquids out of goblets and the like? How's *that* work?
- They seem to write using ink and paper? Ditto. (And if they do *something else*, more appropriate to undersea life, we seldom if ever see that.)

I can see why the recent animated shows have reinterpreted Atlantis to be an undersea city *with air*, and its inhabitants basically amphibious.

[Jon Knutson]

Wow, I've never seen that Superman/Wonder Woman motorcycle before! I've seen a Batman and Robin version, as well as a Spider-Man/Hulk version (with a tiny Hulk in the sidecar, which makes it even more ridiculous), but never Superman/Wonder Woman!

Just when I think I've got all the ridiculous toys in my Flickr files from eBay auctions, along comes something like this...

[Comic Coverage]

"I can see why the recent animated shows have reinterpreted Atlantis to be an undersea city *with air*, and its inhabitants basically amphibious."

Yeah, I caught that during Aquaman's recent appearance on "Batman: The Brave and the Bold". A great show, by the way. Lots of fun, adventure, and some gentle humor. A great "entryway" into comics for the younger crowd.

I was pleasantly surprised at the way Aquaman was portrayed, which reminded me somewhat of Marvel's Hercules (big, boisterous, back-slapping and jovial), which works better for me than the dour sourpuss they've portrayed Aquaman as in the comics for far, far too long. I also noted that he had some kind of water-shaping power that I don't recall seeing in the comics (though maybe it was inspired by Aquaman's brief "magic water hand" period).

"Just when I think I've got all the ridiculous toys in my Flickr files from eBay auctions, along comes something like this..."

That's the internet for you: Just when you think you've seen it all, along comes a sight to remind you that you haven't. I was pretty astounded by not only the sidecar, but the orange hair! I smell a foreign "bootleg toy" here.

[Comic Coverage]

By the way, I'd love to see that Spider-Man & Hulk motorcycle. Got a link to it Jon? If not, shoot it to me in an email and I'll post it here as an update!

[Wes C]

"Actually, he kinda looks like an Ed McGuinness drawing."

I knew he reminded me of something, I just couldn't put my finger on it.

That Capt. America toy is crazy! I love how calm and sedate it makes him seem!

Glad to hear that the Brave and the Bold is as good as it looked to be. We can never have too many "entry ways" into comics for kids.

Toys and Cartoons are invaluable tools for this. After all, The Superfriends & Spider-man and his Amazing Friends were my gateway into comics. The Secret Wars and Super Powers toy lines kept me there, and here it is almost 25 years later.

Of course the "Justice Jogger" might have turned some poor kid away from comics forever!

[ShadowWing Tronix]

I think the water shaping power is an upgrade from the "hard water balls" Filmation gave him when they were doing the DC cartoons. I thought it was a nice addition, along with the return of the telepathy rings.

As for the sub, even track stars use cars. :)

[Hube]

Man, I am STILL laughing my a** off at these! Thanks, as always Mark, for putting this sort of stuff up. Drop-dead hilarious -- especially the pic (and commentary) of that Cap scooter! (Hey, it is by "Marx," after all -- wouldn't he of all people want to make Cap look like a dweeb?) ;-)

[Hube]

Wait a second -- that Hulk copter stuff definitely gives the Cap scooter a run for its money!! ROTFLMAO!!

[John Nowak]

I think Captain America wins it. Not only is it inappropriate for the character, but it just looks lame.

Now, if he had the Flash's motorcycle, that would rock.

[greyman24]

I just brought my 2-year old to see his grandmother for Thanksgiving, and she surprised me by digging out my old Corgi superhero vehicle carrying case. In it was my old Spider-Man helicopter and SuperVan.

Gotta say that SuperVan really had me scratching my head as a kid. Why the hell would Superman need a van? Especially one that looked like a utility van... Is he moonlighting as an electrician?

[DrNobody]

Maybe the bad dye job Wonder Woman was her (then) future short lived replacement Artemis from the 90's... Would definitely explain the hair color difference!!