Cover to Cover: Bring on the (really bad) Bad Guys IV

Part FOUR?! Are there really that many silly, cheesy, and downright lousy bad guys out there in the comic book universe?

Oh, you have no idea.

In fact, the more research I do, it seems that A-listers like Two-Face, Lex Luthor, and the Green Goblin are in the vast minority compared with the teeming masses of mediocrity that pass for comic book villainy.

For example, for every A-list Batman villain, there seems to be five or six losers like the Human Eraser, a “rubber headed” felon who, counter to the cover of Batman #188 (1966), was not able to erase matter.  Rather, he only covered up (or “erased”) the evidence of other criminals’ crimes for 20% of the take.

 

Working our way down the school supply list is Paper Man, who accidentally fell into a chemical vat and was transformed into a big piece of sentient paper in Wonder Woman #165 (1966). From the eccentric imagination of writer Robert Kanigher, Paper Man’s powers included changing shape into a paper airplane, a ball of paper, and (presumably) lining birdcages.

 

 

Of course, Paper Man was only one of a long line of losers dreamed up by the uncanny Kanigher. Three more of them combined forces in Wonder Woman #141 (1963) to destroy the Amazing Amazon. I previously covered Angle Man back in Part II, which leaves Mouse Man (a six-inch guy in a yellow mouse costume who could control rodents) and the Human Fireworks (a.k.a. Fireworks Man), who could turn into “a giant, whirling exploding pinwheel” while emitting a highly annoying HREEEE sound.

 

 

Looking like a cross between Buck Rogers and a Conehead from Saturday Night Live, Brain Storm’s dorky helmet augmented his intelligence and allowed him to control the actions of others…such as making kids of 1964 buy Justice League of America #32 against their better judgment.

 

Speaking of acting against one’s better judgment, what possessed the folks at DC to give “launch clearance” for the Moon Beast? Appearing in Challengers of the Unknown #35 (1963), this alien monster had “built-in organic engines” that could shoot jets of flaming gas from its rear! KAWOOSH!

 

A year later, the Challengers met an even more dangerous (though no less ridiculous) foe named the Sponge Man. Accidentally cutting his hand on a strange man-shaped sponge, an underwater sponge fisherman transformed into…wait for it...a gigantic human sponge! Able to absorb water, color, oxygen, and even energy, the Challengers feared the Sponge Man would eventually absorb all the water on Earth!  After absorbing a lake the Challengers spiked with “chemicals”, a woozy Sponge Man regained his humanity by rescuing a child from a nearby forest fire.  Awwwwwww!

 

 

Instead of saving kids, the Garbage Man exploited them in Power Pack #32 (1987).  How? By forming a mutant street gang named “Trash” to help operate his drug running operation. Essentially just a huge fat guy wearing a t-shirt, Garbage Man’s team was made up of equally lame members…such as Crazy Legs and Airhead.

 

 

When you’re creating a cosmic character embodying the wonders of the universe, what sort of face would you chose for such a lofty being? Why, Whoopi Goldberg, of course! Yes, it’s true…Whoopi Goldberg was obviously the face of Numinus in Power Pack #51 (1989). When you pair this with Whoopi’s then-concurrent role of Guinan, a mysterious cosmic bartender in Star Trek: The Next Generation, what was it about the dreadlocked comedienne that people associated with cosmic wisdom?  Haven’t they ever watched The View?

 

As the same team who brought us Garbage Man, Trash, and Numinus, writer Louise Simonson and artist Jon Bogdanove also inflicted us with Bloodthirst in Superman: The Man of Steel #29 (1994). Looking like a collision between Mr. Clean and a kinky S&M queen, Bloodthirst was a 1,000 year-old demon that could change form and spew smelly green gas from various nozzles and orifices.

 

 

As you may gather from Bloodthirst, compelling comic book villainy had fallen on hard times in the early 90’s. The reason? Responding to the initial success of upstart publisher Image Comics, DC and Marvel began flooding the market with characters sporting ridiculous Image-esque names and belt pouch/shoulder pad costumes. One of these forgettable clowns was Blistik, who, contrary to his epically lame name, was not a soothing lip balm but a self-proclaimed champion of New York’s quality of life. Sounds good, right?  Well, not when Captain America #422 (1993) depicted Blistik advocating severe punishment (including the death penalty) for even minor offenses like traffic or noise violations. 

 

 

Someone truly deserving of severe punishment was Typeface, a disgruntled sign-maker who turned to crime in Peter Parker: Spider-Man #23 (2000). Writing letters on his face and using giant letters for weapons, Typeface was L-A-M-E with a capital “L”.

 

 

When it comes to the cover of Spectacular Spider-Man #99 (1985), a quote from Shakespeare’s Macbeth comes to mind: “Out, damned spot! Out, I say!” Gaining the ability to appear and disappear through spot-like space warps, Dr. Jonathan Ohnn resembled a human/Dalmatian hybrid and later joined the aptly named Legion of Losers.

 

Others who definitely qualified for a Legion of Losers membership card were the Headmen, seen here on the cover of Defenders #33 (1976). Dr. Arthur Nagan (a.k.a. “Gorilla-Man”) was an evil surgeon whose head was transplanted onto a gorilla’s body by vengeful gorillas, while a defective shrinking gas left Dr. Jerold Morgan with a too-small skeletal system and the name “Shrunken Bones”. Joining them was Ruby Thursday, a scientist who decided to replace her own head with a shape changing “organic computer".

 

 

I’ve never been much of a pirate fan, so you can imagine how thrilled I was to see Peg-Leg Portia show up in Superman #318 (1977). As pilot of the Cosmic Hound spaceship, the 347 year-old Peg-Leg was kept artificially young by a pack of telekinetic, energy-vomiting space dogs.  No…really. However, I have to give writer Martin Pasko credit for (against all odds) making it quite a touching story. No…really.

 

Comments

[buttler]

I always loved Brain Storm. Talk about a sense of personal style.

Batman and Creeper also fought a paper guy in Brave & the Bold -- some kind of origami man. Those paper cuts are no joke!

The Headmen were ridiculous, but I liked the fact that most of them (except Ruby Thursday) were actual characters from the old weird tales of 1950s Marvel comics.

[buttler]

And had I actually followed the links, I would have seen that you already covered the Origami Man in a previous chapter. Well done!

I have to admit, though, that a lot of these picks are actual personal favorites of mine. Better these than Bane or Doomsday any day.

[Mark Engblom]

"I have to admit, though, that a lot of these picks are actual personal favorites of mine. Better these than Bane or Doomsday any day."

Yes, there's an undeniable charm to many of these lovable losers...especially in comparison with modern age killers and sadists. However...some of these guys just need to be called out, don't you think?

As for Origami Man, I wonder how he'd fare up against Paper Man? Would one of them beat the other one to a pulp?

(groan) Sorry.

[buttler]

And what is Angle Man doing underwater? Angling doesn't really work that way.

[Mark Engblom]

That angle man....always figuring out a new angle.

Okay, I'll stop now.

[De]

One of my favorite moments in Keith Giffen's JLI was when Brainstorm lost his helmet in a poker game.