Cover to Cover: Bring on the (really bad) Bad Guys III

Despite the chaos of our constantly changing world, there’s one unchanging truth we can cling to: There will always be plenty of lame supervillains to make fun of.

Yeah, I know…that’s a pretty bold claim…but after two loser-packed installments of Bring on the (Really Bad) Bad Guys, I'm nowhere close to running out of goofy, ill-advised or moon-barking insane bad guys.

What better way to demonstrate that “moon-barking insane” variety than with a Doom Patrol villain…any Doom Patrol villain, for that matter. Springing from the active (or perhaps radioactive) imagination of creator Arnold Drake, the Doom Patrol faced a kaleidoscope of surreal adversaries.  From a giant with an eyeball for a head to an evil brain in a jar (carried around by a talking gorilla), the Doom Patrol had seen it all…that is, until they met the Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man in Doom Patrol #89 (1964).

A few years later, writer Robert Kanigher created his own wonky corner of the DC Universe with the Metal Men, seen here on the cover of their 24th issue (1967) battling Balloon Man, whose decidedly non-threatening appearance was amplified by his Pretty In Pink color scheme.

Another non-threatening non-entity was the Black Talon, whose otherwise cool zombie-creating voodoo powers were completely eclipsed by the stupidity of his chicken costume on the cover of Avengers #152 (1976).

 

“Stupidity” takes on a startling (and possibly inbred) new dimension in Spectacular Spider-Man #156 (1989) with the debut of Banjo, a mutant hillbilly with super-strength and a hunchback….who’s only ten years old!  Looking on in the lower right-hand corner were “Mama” and his brother “Bugeye”.  Yeee-hawww!

 

Leaving the mutant-strewn hills of Appalachia we head back to the late 1970’s and the corrupting influence of….disco music!  As Saturday Night Fever and the BeeGees held the country in their polyester grip, trend-chasing comic book creators incorporated a small (but infamous) number of disco-themed characters.

First up was the Blue Streak, a rocket-powered disco skater who returned in Captain America #229 (1979) with his fellow S.H.I.E.L.D. operatives.

Sporting a spiffy new suit of armor, Blue Streak attempted a comeback in Captain America #318 (1986), forgetting one tiny detail:  He was still a roller-skating supervillain!

 

Next came a demon sorceress named Satin Satan (a.k.a. super-model Sabrina Sultress), who trapped a rookie Firestorm in her “Hell on Wheels” here on the cover of Justice League #180 (1980).

 

If there’s anything worse than disco, it’s bad puns…like the name of villain Turner D. Century, who loved the idealized society of the year 1900 so much (get it? “Turn of the Century”?), he was determined to destroy the modern world to bring it back!  Making his debut in Spider-Woman #33 (1980), Turner used wacky inventions like a flying tandem bicycle, a flame-throwing umbrella and a “time horn” in his war against social progress!

 

Someone who might have passed Turner D. Century’s dress code was the Minstrel.  Appearing in Doll Man #15 (1964), this Joker wanna-be committed music-themed crimes while packing a flame-throwing banjo.

 

Jumping from the flame-throwing banjo to a flame-throwing teenager, the Human Torch encountered some of the worst supervillains to ever see print during his solo stint in Strange Tales.  Take the Rabble Rouser for example, who embodied the early 60’s double threat of Commies and…beatniks?!  Appearing in Strange Tales #119 (1964), an unnamed Communist nation sent the Rabble Rouser to stir up unrest using his “mesmerizer wand”, which had the power to make the masses believe his subversive propaganda.

 

The brain of Asbestos Man was obviously addled by his constant exposure to the non-flammable (yet horribly unhealthy) substance he was named after. I mean, how else would you explain the use of a net against someone who could fly?  In fact, even the breathless narrator on the cover of Strange Tales #111 (1963) seemed to be unaware that the Torch could simply fly away from the net-flinging nincompoop.

 

A bit more dangerous, though no less lame was The Painter, a.k.a. Wilhelm van Vile.  Making his artistic debut in Strange Tales #108 (1963), the “Painter of a Thousand Perils” could create solid forms with this special paints and brushes, which he could then animate and control.  Not to be confused with the late Bob Ross, "Painter of a Hundred Thousand Nature Scenes".

 

Finally, like the spectacular climax of a fireworks display, we come to the absolute worst Human Torch villain…and possibly one of the worst comic book supervillains ever.  After inventing an adhesive paste he could shoot from a gun, chemist Peter Petruski used it to commit crimes as Paste Pot Pete in Strange Tales #104 (1963).  Initially dressed as a stereotypical artist (complete with floppy beret), Paste Pot Pete shot streams of sticky white fluid (ahem) at the Torch several times before finally changing his name to the Trapster (a founding member of the Frightful Four).  However, despite the new name, heroes and villains alike always enjoy reminding the Trapster about his original name…sending him into fits of shame and fury!

With that, our symphony of supervillain suckitude mercifully comes to an end. After all, a mind can only take so much of flame-throwing banjos, rocket-powered roller skates, and Voodoo chicken suits before its recognition of true quality begins to erode.  So, read some classic literature…listen to some great composers…sip some fine wines…until your discernment of quality is once again razor-sharp. 

Then come back for the inevitable (Really Bad) Bad Guys, Part IV...if you dare!

Comments

[Captain Average]

Good stuff Mark...well, not really. These villains are terrible.There's a few who are new to me, so thanks for putting more useless info in my brain.I always laugh at the terrifying Mr.Chicken, but Baloon Man is new.He looks like fun to play with.A big ballon versus a team of robots?Yeah, that's an even match.So thanks, but my reaction today? YUK! One bright spot:I always thought the Texas Twister looked cool.

[suedenim]

Paste-Pot Pete at least has a pretty good gimmick - super-strong adhesive can be a surprisingly useful thing to have around in a superhero fight.

Despite two banjo-themed villains, you missed Captain Marvel adversary "Mr. Banjo!"

The first time I saw this image, I had to laugh... does one of these people kinda look like he doesn't belong among this crew?

[Mark Engblom]

Cap said:

"So thanks, but my reaction today? YUK! One bright spot:I always thought the Texas Twister looked cool."

I usually "aim to please", but in the case of the Really Bad Bad Guys, I aim to disgust....so "thanks", Cap!

Yeah, George Perez did a good job designing Tex's superhero duds. I believe that character showed up every now and then after his first appearance at those Frightful Four try-outs.

seudenim said:
"Despite two banjo-themed villains, you missed Captain Marvel adversary "Mr. Banjo!"

Duly noted, suedenim! I haven't touched Cap's Rogue's Gallery yet, but I'll correct that mistake the next time around! Mr. Banjo sounds like a good (bad?) candidate.

[Kyle]

Mark, you've gotta admit that ol' Paste-Pot earned that floppy beret. I mean, you've got to have some artistic talent to first create a perfectly man-shaped and -sized splat of goo with a goo-gun -- stretching diagonally across the wall, no less! -- and then somehow get some poor schlub to back into it at the exact same angle of the sticky design. Whereas Pete's other victims are just stuck in malformed globs, that one fella is laid out like artwork, and without a drop of paste anywhere on his frontside!

(Heh. I always loved that cover.)

[Pat Curley]

Animal-Vegetable-Mineral man was probably intended as a reference to the game 20 Questions, which always started with the "Animal, Vegetable or Mineral" question.

Couple of suggestions: Li'l Gooey Monster from Wonder Woman #151; he's not only incredibly silly looking, but he speaks in rhyme, making him doubly annoying. Boiling Man from WW #154; his head looks like a coffee cup. And Paper Man from WW #165; he looks like a newspaper (to the point that Wonder Woman is capable of punching right through him). Of course, making light of Wonder Woman from that era is almost too easy; it's like slam-dunking on an eight-foot basket against somebody in a wheelchair.

Unfortunately he didn't appear on a cover, but Pinball from Star Spangled #78 is perhaps the weirdest of the oddball villains. As is traditional in superhero comics, his head resembles his name, and his crimes revolve around the pinball theme. I posted about him in February here:

http://sacomics.blogspot.com/2008/02/now-this-is-silly-villain.html

Paste-Pot Pete was definitely the craziest name for a villain ever; with the beret they should have named him Paste-Pot Pierre.

[Mark Engblom]

"Mark, you've gotta admit that ol' Paste-Pot earned that floppy beret."

LOL! You're right, Kyle. Paste-Pot's pretty handy with the paste gun, no doubt.

[Mark Engblom]

Hey, Pat!...thanks for the suggestions! I'll definitely file away those WW villains. She's another hero whose rogue's gallery I haven't explored too much.

[Ivan Wolfe]

Check out Cap's great new headgear!

Because there's nothing else worth seeing on the cover, I guess.

Perhaps you should have a cover gallery of covers with pointless asides like "Check out this obscure thing over here that won't have any real long-term impact!"

And Banjo hates it when you "pick on" him (get it - Banjo, pick - Cover blurb writer of a thousand laughs!), but what about when you "tune" him? Why isn't his brother named "Fiddle" (He hates it when you rosin his bow!) or "Mandolin" (He hates it when you don't tune his double courses just right!) or "High Lonesome Sound" (He hates it when your harmony is off key!)?

[Captain Average]

Side note: Texas Twister has indeed made more appearances, and is currently in the Texas-based S.H.I.E.L.D. Initiative team, the Rangers(previously a short-lived team also featuring ol' Tex).

[Hube]

Mark, how's this for my mid-life crisis-Bronze Age-comics memory: That inset of the Wizard busting on the Trapster was from FF #177 where the Frightful Four took over the Baxter Building, beat the FF, and were auditioning new members! Am I right?

And wasn't this also the infamous Captain Ultra's debut appearance?

[Mark Engblom]

"Am I right?"

You're absolutely right, Hube! Good memory! Good ol' Captain Ultra...and his allergy to open flame! He obviously didn't make the cut.

[buttler]

I take umbrage at your scurrilous dismissal of the glory that is Turner D. Century. I loved that man nearly as much as he loved old people.