Dr. Doom's SCARY SANTA Gallery!

"I am Victor Von Doom, arch-enemy of the Fantastic Four, inevitable Ruler of the World, and Despiser of All Things Christmas!

In fact, one of my greatest accomplishments is an anti-Christmas campaign I've christened "Operation Santa Scare".  You see, over the last several decades, I've planted countless department store Santas across the United States...Santas whose tattered and terrifying appearance traumatizes young children....forever scarring their perception of that obese toymaker and the insipid holiday he champions!  WhooHa Ha HAAAH!

Monitoring their efforts from my Latverian stronghold, I've assembled a small sampling of my "Scary Santa Squad" operatives for you to see in action. Look upon them, witless cattle, and DESPAIR!

1.  Ahh, yes...Agent L-77's piercing stare of zombie death!  His eyes grab your soul....and shake it to its metaphysical core!

2.  The perfect juxtaposition of innocence...and laser-focused malevolence!

3.  The whithered hands of Agent G-63 have the ability to absorb the raw fear energy from his terrorized young visitors...making him all the more powerful. 

4.  Which is the greater trauma...a misaligned, denture-free mouth or the reek of an alcohol-soaked beard?  Let's ask the stunned whelp seated upon "Santa's" knee!

5.  An artificial beard and doltish fur hat cannot hide the very real evil of Ming the Merciless!

6.  Although bladder control and his own name have long since eluded Agent D-24, it warms my heart to know that his bleary incoherence can still trigger fits of pure terror.

7.  Agent Z-13: An ocean of pent-up rage and cheap whiskey.

8.  Agent Vinnie, one of my earliest operatives, always knew how to counteract an infant's innocence with that all-too-knowing stare.

9.  Agent M-42:  He always did have trouble "letting go".

10.  The delicious Ho-Ho-Horror of Agent A-66.

11. Agent Q-32...seldom sober yet always terrifying. He often kept the soiled diapers of his young victims tucked under his hat.

12. My pride and joy. Agent X-99...a sub-human beast in Santa's clothing.  The mountain peaks still echo with the shrill screams of his infant visitors.

"Have you seen enough, foolish rabble?  Knowing what you now know, why do you continue celebrating this pointless holiday when Doom is slowly but surely destroying it? 

Bah!  Carry on if you will, but be warned...my agents are everywhere...perhaps in a shopping mall or department store near you!  WhaHa Ha Haaahh!"

Comments

[Z Ryan]

I never realized before that Doctor Doom is the nemesis of Bill O'Reilly.

[Siskoid]

More more more of Satan's Santas!!!

They need a mini-series at least as much as Modok's 11.

[Dr. Retro]

Hilarious!!!!

[Hube]

My sides are still hurting from laughing, Mark! Made my day! Thanks! :-D

[Bret]

Wait, Doom LOVES Christmas!
Why else would he have dressed up as Santa Doom and delivered Christmas presents?

I suspect DoomBots.

[Captain Average]

Great column. If you'll excuse me, I have to brick up the chimney now. AHHH, Scary Santas!!

[Mark Engblom]

Glad you all enjoyed it....despite the lasting trauma from those photos!

[Z Ryan]

Number 9 has to be staged to look creepy. He's not even wearing a hat; that's a hood.

[Mark Engblom]

I think back in the 40's or early 50's (which is when that photo looks like it was taken), there was a bit more variation in the Santa suits. I think as long as the suit was red and there was some sort of beard (however ratty looking), the folks of that time seemed satisfied.

[Reggie Greenlaw]

AAAUGH! I too have been victimized by Santa #8, possibly on the very same night. I was three years old and my parents sat me on the lap of this fiend in the Ben Franklin store on Losey Boulevard in La Crosse, Wisconsin, in the mid '50s. I can almost smell him. Other victim, where are you? We need to talk...