Comic Coverage

Classic Ads: The Frontier Cabin

Even a casual glance at a newspaper over the past several months would tell you that the formerly red-hot housing market has cooled off considerably.

Realtors and economists have blamed a whole host of factors for the so-called "slump" in home sales, none of which fully explain the alarming dip in new housing starts and existing home values. However, while paging through one of my old comic books, the true reason behind the housing slump hit me like a ton of bricks....

...or should I say a ton of LOGS?

(click on image for a larger view)

Priced at a staggering $1.00, this "huge, western-style" 23 cubic ft. cabin is becoming a real alternative to traditional, much more expensive housing all across the nation. Hence the dip in sales. Just check out some of these amazing features, and you'll see why America is flocking to the Frontier Cabin:

Apparently, a special "DuPont Polyethelene" allows the cabin to stand up to the rigors of outdoor conditions, making this much more than a simple playhouse.

In addition to all-weather durability comes the irresistible appeal of fine craftsmanship:

That's authentic brown, mind you...none of that artificial brown the so-called "real" houses use.

As amazing as those features are, the real power behind the Frontier Cabin phenomena remains its revolutionary 5 for $4.00 pricing plan. Get this: When you buy a cabin for $1.00, you can get up to four more cabins for only an additional $3.00!  If that crazy math is blowing your mind, let me put it this way:  For the cost of two modern-day comic books, you've got yourself an entire neighborhood, pal!

Don't believe me?  Fine....but if you're not convinced the Frontier Cabin has forever altered the contemporary housing market, let me direct your attention to this little tidbit from the ad:

Got that?  In addition to the boy-favorite Frontier Cabin, girls (a.k.a. "the other 50% of the population") now have a playhouse model of their very own. The same amazing features (although "authentic pink" is substituted for the cabin's "authentic brown") and the same amazing pricing plans ensure that this revolutionary trend is here to stay, rocking the housing market for years to come.

Classic Ads: Escalating the BB Gun Arms Race

Anyone who's read an older comic book should be familiar with the ubiquitous ads for the Daisy Manufacturing Company and their dazzling arsenal of BB guns. Boys (and their dads) were hectored by Daisy's breathless ads to buy the latest in BB-gun technology, along with a dizzying array of accessories, upgrades and add-ons (kinda like computers, now that I think about it). 

This "BB-Gun Arms Race" resulted in neighborhoods that were stuck in a perpetual stalemate of "mutually assured destruction", as no boy and his rifle seemed to have a clear advantage over his equally well-armed pals.

That is, unless they happened to come across an ad in Superman #116 (1957) for The Automatic Tri-Pod Machine Gun!

(click on the ad for a larger view)

Just check out these features:

Key words:  "fighting", "ammunition" and "real".

Okay, what else?

Music to my ears. Tell me more....

Good thinking.  In the world of BB-gun warfare, a direct hit is crucial.

Finally...the Coup De Gras:

It's like a magical kid-Valhalla!  It...it's simply beautiful (sniff).

You may ask: "Why would a child need an Automatic Firing Tripod Machine Gun? Aren't they dangerous?"

To which I would reply, "How long have you been without a human soul?"

Look, don't ask questions.  Just bask in the zen-like glory of the Tripod Machine Gun...a relic from an ancient time when a child's toy ad could include the words "ammunition" and "deadly" with nary an eyebrow raise.

Classic Ads: Be a Good Citizen!

A common feature of comics published from the 1940s through the 1960s were their earnest Public Service Ads (PSA's), which sought to teach a variety of social and moral lessons to young readers.  However, their undeniably good intentions sometimes produced unintentionally amusing or even surreal results...such as the day in 1962 when Superman taught two youngsters the virtues of good citizenship.

Our lesson begins as John and Billy arrive at the
local community club to do some charity work.
Hey!  That sounds like good citizenship to me!  What's the problem?

(click on the panels for a larger view)

Ah....yes.  Billy's careless placement of his bike, like the Serpent lurking in Eden, foreshadows troubled times ahead.

In panel three, Billy casually dismisses a dropped gum wrapper...signaling his plunge into the abyss of mindless anarchy!  Luckily, Superman is on the case!

(click on the panels for a larger view)

An indeterminate amount of time "later", the boys exit
the community center and behold a shocking sight!

(click on the panels for a larger view)

Despite Billy instantly making sense of the madness before him, Superman's "lesson" raises a number of uncomfortable questions:

1.  Isn't there a bank robbery or a sinking ship somewhere with Superman's name on it?

2.  Whose bikes are those?  More importantly, are they even ridable after Superman's ramshackle pileup?

3.  Assuming he could be seen by the naked eye, how insane did it look while Superman was unwrapping and flinging hundreds of gum wrappers?

4. In the final panel, Superman states that "we must be thoughtful of others in little ways, too".  Yeah, like stealing the bikes of dozens of children to prove a point...or completely freaking-out young Billy and John.

Despite these troubling questions (and Superman's disturbing surplus of free time), the Man of Steel's little stunt not only taught youngsters a valuable lesson, but may have also inspired the invention of the renowned Kryptonite Bike Lock.

Classic Ads: Buy a Monkey!

Of all the novelty gadgets, swindles and pranks I've come across in old comic book ads, the strangest one (by far) was this ad for a Darling Pet Monkey:

(By the way....for those of you accustomed to Photoshop tomfoolery
here at Comic Coverage, I assure you...this ad is the "real deal".)

Every time I've seen the monkey ad, my thoughts always drift back to those families of the 1940's, 50's and early 60's who found themselves the unwitting recipients of a live squirrel monkey that Junior ordered from his comic books. 

As I read the sales pitch, a number of questions come to mind:

1.  Do these eyes look warm to you?  "Feral and jugular-craving", maybe....but warm?  Not on your life....which it just might come down to if you brought this leering homunculus into your home.

2.  Lollipops....no doubt recommended by 4 out of 5 veterinarians and zoologists?

3.  Right....but did their guarantee also cover the years of psychotherapy required after finding a dead monkey in your mailbox?

  Taking a wild guess here, but those "instructions" were probably little more than a five page non-liability statement from "Animal Farm", with precious little information on how to deal with the monkey flinging its fecal matter at family members while they sleep.

Yes...an adorable pet and companion....FOR SATAN!

"SKREEEEEEEEEECH!"

Classic Ads: A Prankster's Paradise!

If Mrs. F. Scott Fitzgerald was correct...and my dreams were indeed shaped by the advertising of my youth, then I guess my highest aspirations somehow involve Whoopee Cushions, Black Soap, Joy Buzzers and X-Ray Specs!

You see, lurking within every comic book published from the 1940's through the mid-80's were pages of tiny, densely-packed ads guaranteeing Herculean muscles, Svengali-like romantic powers, instant wealth and...of course....the perfectly executed prank!

Since pulling pranks was one of the Three Primary Reasons to Live for young boys of the 60's and 70's (the other two being the building forts and the eternal quest for firecrackers), you can imagine how tempting these pranks were to our mischievous little minds.

Peddled by the likes of S.S. Adams, "Uncle Harry", and the ironically-named "Honor House", it was only a matter of time before we gave in to their enticements of non-stop mirth and sent away for an actual prank or two (or three).

  Since a boy's unofficial fourth Reason to Live was anything having to do with flatulence, the choice for our first mail order prank was obvious:  The Whoopee Cushion! (click on the ad for a larger view)  When it finally arrived, I remember being a little taken aback by its strong industrial rubber odor...making its inflation a little off-putting.  Ahh...but after a few hilariously successful attempts, the smell of radioactive waste was no longer an issue. I think we played the prank on just about every friend and family member in the tri-state area, until it finally blew up from the sheer pressure of all those clueless rear-ends mashing into it.

Next up, Black Soap! 

Like the ad says, "a great trick".  In the case of groggy parents who've just woken up...not such a great trick.

After viewing the "shocking" reaction illustrated in the ad, what kid could resist ordering a Joy Buzzer?

Not us!

Sadly, the Joy Buzzer turned out to be somewhat of a disappointment.  Instead of the electrocuting agony depicted in the ad, the Joy Buzzer simply vibrated weakly in the victim's palm...eliciting only mild bemusement instead of a completely freaked-out, knee-raising leap from the victim.

As much of a let-down as the Joy Buzzer turned out to be, the most disappointing prank by far had to be the X-Ray Specs.  I think even as kids we knew that the $1 pair of glasses wouldn't allow us to truly "look through flesh to see the bones underneath", but even that natural skepticism couldn't prepare us for their underwhelming performance.

From what I can remember, the plastic frames contained double-layer cardboard "lenses", each with a small hole punched through them.  In between the layers was inserted (believe it or not) a small feather, which refracted the light coming through the holes so that images seen through the feather seemed to blur or diffuse.  So, needless to say, no bones were seen through the fabled X-Ray Specs...or much else, for that matter.

Once the late 70's rolled around, my friends and I discovered the Spencers chain of stores, with tacky pranks (and Farrah Fawcett posters) as far as the eye could see, so our reliance upon the comic ad prankmeisters came to an end at that point.

Still, I have fond memories of that time, when a summer's worth of mischievous schemes could be conjured up from a tiny comic book ad's crude drawings and breathless hokum.

So much so, that I created a design for my Secret Identity shop called...what else?...X-Ray Specs!  Despite the actual X-Ray Specs of my youth being such a crashing disappointment, I think the idea of X-Ray Specs is still a great symbol for those bygone days of joy buzzer anarchy, fake vomit peddlers, and mail-order dream merchants.

In the innocently prankish spirit of those wacky times, I wish you a Happy April Fool's Day!  May your pranks be many....and perfectly executed!

Secrets of Super-Sharp Coolness

Since ancient times, men have devised countless ways to attract the attention of women.  When it comes to romance, men have always been willing to abandon whatever shred of good taste, intelligence and dignity they might have once possessed for the promise of a lady's affection.

Naturally, crafty entrepreneurs have long since figured how to make a buck off of this love-starved lunacy, each offering their own unique blend of snake oil and promises to snare hapless, romance-challenged males.

The perfect embodiment of these sleezy desperation merchants was Masculiner, whose ads were a familiar feature of comic books published from the late 60's through the 70's.

First, the oh-so-subtle opening pitch...

What man wouldn't want to look exciting,
romantic and impressive?  So far, so good!

Tell me more!

Yes, that's right.  Masculiner sold fake
stick-on hair to smooth-faced losers who yearned to:

In short, a bold

If these three distinct macho looks weren't enough to clinch the sale, Masculiner administered the killing stroke with...the Fake Facial Hair Trifecta!

Surely no living female could resist the
combined romantic power of The Three!

Classic Ads: Count Dante...Deadliest Hairdresser Alive!

Anyone remotely familiar with mid-70's comic books should instantly recognize the ominous, sneering figure on the left as Count Dante'...the Deadliest Man Alive! (Click on the ad for a larger view)

As a relatively new comic book reader in the summer of '75, this bizarre, dangerous-looking character obviously made quite an impression upon my nine year-old imagination.  For a naive country-boy like me, the ad's talk of "fighting arts" and "death matches" was simultaneously fascinating and a bit scary. 

Were there really people who fought in these so-called death matches?  Could the world's most deadly fighting secrets really be mine?  Is that really his hair?

Well, one ad for Mego Superheroes or X-Ray Specs later, Count Dante and his deadly world faded from my hummingbird-like attention span...but years later, whenever I came across this classic ad, I'd wonder:  "Who was this 'Count Dante' and whatever happened to him?"

Well, my curiosity finally got the best of me and, a few Google searches later, here's what I came up with:

FACT: The Count was born John T. Keehan in 1939. Growing up in a wealthy Chicago family, he eventually became involved in the early Karate programs of the 1950's. 

FACT: Keehan became an expert in Judo, Jui-jitsu, Gung Fu, Tai Chi Chuan, Shaolin Boxing, Kempo, Karate, Yawara, Boxing, Wrestling, Aikido and Kibo...awarding himself the title The Crown Prince of Death.

FACT: While he mastered every deadly art known to man and demon, he also found time to serve as the director of a wig and hair-piece company(!), eventually becoming a "world famous hair stylist" and creator of the "natural seductive hairstyle" of many top Chicago models and Playboy Bunnies.

FACT: Keehan co-founded the United States Karate Association (USKA).  He later became disillusioned with the formality of conventional karate and developed his own "street effecive" style dubbed the Dan-Te or "Dance of Death" system.

FACT: In the late 60's, Keehan changed his name to Count Juan Raphael Dante, claiming that his parents were secretly royalty from Spain who'd fled to America during the Spanish Civil War (which may or may not have actually happened).

FACT:  He retired undefeated from professional competition in 1968 when he became Grandmaster of the Black Dragon Fighting Society in the United States and Canada.

FACT:  At various times, Dante and the pupils of his school (or "dojo") became involved in "The Dojo Wars", a chop-socky swirl of attempted arson, booze, dynamite, building invasions, and ultimately the death of one of Dante's students.

FACT:  Dante died in his sleep in May of 1975, due to internal hemorrhaging from a bleeding ulcer (kinda anti-climactic, huh?).  I was expecting "died after single-handedly defeating five hundred nunchuck-wielding zombies".

NOT A FACT:  It's rumored that Dante's 1975 death was actually a clever ruse, allowing him to assume a third identity, this time as mellow painter Bob Ross.  Exchanging his throwing stars for a fan brush and Magic White, Dante/Ross appeared on the PBS series The Joy of Painting...until dying for real in 1995.

So, there you have it.  The murky world of Count Dante in all its death-dealing, hairdressing, and nature-painting glory.  If you want to find out more about this fascinating figure (and who wouldn't?), you might want to check out In Search of Count Dante, a recent documentary film by Floyd Webb.

Ironically, when I saw this ad in the spring/early summer of 1975, Dante had just died. Allegedly.

Classic Ads: If the Boots Don't Fit, You Must Acquit

Back before O.J. Simpson was a shameless pariah, he was the pitchman for a variety of 70's and 80's products...such as stylish Dingo Boots. 

Take a creepy walk down memory lane as the "Dingo Kids"
meet and gaze adoringly at the future double murderer.

The Blog of Horror....DAY ONE!

As we slide into October, I thought it would be fun to devote most of this month's blogging to the creepier side of comics.  Rest assured, not everything I do during October is going to be Halloween-oriented (such as my coverage of the Minnesota Fall-Con, Oct. 6-7), but I'll definitely be putting a Halloween spin on many of the regular Comic Coverage features, along with some fun new stuff.  Oh, and since last year's Bizarro Justice League went over pretty well, I think that calls for the Second Annual Bizarro Super-Team Challenge, don't you?

Well, to kick off the month, I thought I'd pan for a Gold Nugget in Quality Comics' Out of the Night #5 (1952), but to my surprise, the flat-out scariest part of the entire issue wasn't in any of the stories...but on the back cover!

In an ad for Uncle Bernie's Fun Shop (Bernie was a little on the sinister side himself), I spotted two items that couldn't have come from anywhere but the DEVIL'S TOYSHOP...compelling me to scream:

I don't know what it is about dolls (or mannequins, their eerie grown-up  cousins), but they've always been pretty high on the creep-out scale for me.  It's usually the old-fashioned glassy-eyed girl dolls and the eternally-bizarre ventriloquist dolls that really get my skin crawling...and here they both are in a single ad.

The first of our Demonic Duo is the terrifying GINGER (click on the image for a larger view...if you dare)!  From the hell-glow around the word "Ginger", to that sinister stare...with those tiny hands raised and ready to scratch, is this really the "perfect playmate for the Junior Mother"?

And what's this about "Wonderskin"?  (shiver)

Next up is the HAPPY THE COWBOY nightmare dispenser...and, yes, he IS smoking a gigantic cigarette (click on the image if you don't believe me)! 

If there's anything more unsettling than a ventriloquist doll (a species long known for its wide-eyed malevolence), it's a ventriloquist doll with a heater hanging out of its plastic rictus-grin.  No doubt countless young lads of the early 50's awoke in the middle of the night to see Happy's silhouette outlined against the moon-lit window...with the orange glow of his lit cigarette dimly illuminating his unblinking gaze....accompanied by a soft, creaky-jawed chuckle.

Classic Ads: Trick or Treating...Minnesota Style!

Back in the early to mid-70's, my friends and I were crazy about Marvel Comics and their stable of characters. In fact, we were so crazy about them, we'd always want to dress up as those characters for Trick-or-Treating. Imagine our delight when we came across this ad appearing in October 1975 issues of Marvel Comics:

Priced at a mere $2.79 each, we could look like our favorite heroes for Halloween. Just think (we thought), in the dim evening light, we might even be mistaken for the real deals, appearing more like the ghosted hero images in the ad than mere children!

But then, depressing reality would soon settle in, as we all remembered that wearing cool trick-or-treat costumes in northern Minnesota was a near impossibility. 

You see, it can get nasty cold the final week of October in the Great Northland. It wasn't unusual for the first snowfall to have already occurred once Halloween rolled around, so naturally all good moms and dads would stave off frostbite and frozen death by almost completely obscuring our costumes with winter jackets, hats, snowpants, scarves, mittens, and boots.

"But mom!...Spider-Man doesn't wear a hat or a jacket!"

To which mom would calmly reply, "He does if he wants to go trick-or-treating."

"Awww, mom!"

Of course, after visiting the first few houses, the costume controversy was soon forgotten. Massive amounts of free candy have a way of doing that.